The #1 Mindset That Makes Women Chase You

Dating > Attraction > Mindset
by Bobby Rio • Updated: April 20, 2022

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Instill THIS “Mindset” to Naturally Make Girls Chase

There is a certain “mindset” that many many lack in regards to women.  If you fall into one of the categories below, chances are, you lack this mindset too.

  • Do you always blow it when you really like a girl.
  • Do you chase after a girl for years, even when it’s pretty clear that nothing’s ever going to happen.
  • Do you struggle to maintain attraction with a girl?
  • Do you find yourself acting “needy”?

If so, than you’re probably missing the number one mindset that is required for success with women.

It’s the mindset that separates “nice guys” from the guys that women chase.

The reality is that guys who do extremely well with women all share this mindset.

Before I explain the mindset, let’s explain why its critically important.

Why “THIS” Mindset is Critically Important in Dating

I’ve come to realize that there’s a certain mindset that creates this feeling of “emotional quicksand”.

“Emotional Quicksand” is when:

  • It’s when you become obsessed with a girl.
  • When you’re scared of losing her or when she’s already slipping away and you’re so obsessed with getting her back.
  • The rest of your life almost stands still. You can’t think about anything else.

Maybe you’re in this predicament now where you’ve got a girl on your mind and you’re chasing after her, playing a mental chess game about what to do.

You’re replaying conversations, trying to figure out what went wrong or how you can get her back.

“Nice guys” tend to suffer from this. A lack of the right mindset tends to be the number one reason why they struggle to keep attraction in a woman or even to get a woman attracted in the first place.

So what is the mindset?

I’m going to explain the mindset and why it’s so crucial.

Then I’m going to give you three tips to implement this new mindset going forward.

With this NEW MINDSET you can:

  • Avoid emotional quicksand.
  • Make sure you don’t get wrapped up in a woman.
  • Be chased by a woman instead of chasing her.

The “Abundance Mindset” with Women

If you’ve read my work in the past, you’ve heard the term “abundance.”

Don’t be tempted to assume you already know what I’m going to say. Stick with me, because I’m going to make this even more pertinent so that you can actually implement it.

It’s not just this abstract theory of thinking, “Oh yeah, there are other women out there; she’s not the only one.”

No, I’m going to show you how you develop this habit of acting in accordance with abundance, which allows you to escape that nice guy mentality that that winds up chasing women away. This will allow you to become the guy that women chase.

Now, in a previous article, I talked about the five traits that women chase in a man, and if you haven’t read that article, you can view it on the site here.

But the reality is all five of those traits rely on abundance.

If you don’t have abundance mentality:

  • it’s very hard for you to be autonomous:
  • it’s also very hard to set boundaries with women.
  • it’s hard to be “fun” because you’re scared to mess up
  • its hard to have “high standards” because you think you have limited options

I was doing a session recently with a client. Without getting into details of his private life, let’s put it this way, it’s not a situation you want to be in. There is very, very, very little hope that the relationship with this woman will ever turn into what he wants it to be.

Yet he’s still wasting weekend after weekend spending time with her, not getting what he wants because he is unable to walk away.

Why is he unable to walk away?

Because he does not have an abundance mindset.  He has the “scarcity mindset”.

Wanting vs. Needing a Woman

What is the “scarcity mindset?”

It’s the mindset that says: she is the only one.

Who has known a girl – maybe it’s an ex-girlfriend, maybe it’s a girl you went on a few dates with her, maybe it’s a girl you’re in the friend zone with right now – and something tells you,

  • “She’s just different.
  • She’s just special.
  • We just have this connection that I don’t have with other girls.”

Those are harmful words.

That feeling of “she’s so special” really comes from a place of scarcity. You’re believing that she’s the only one you’re ever going to meet like that.

Is she really the only one for you?

I can remember graduating from college with plans to move in with my college girlfriend. We had been dating throughout our university years, we had talked about marriage and we were on that track.

Then all of a sudden, she pulled the rug out from under me. She broke up with me.

In a matter of weeks, I went from thinking we were going to spend the rest of our lives together… to her saying, “I’m just not feeling it.”

For the next six months to a year, I was in emotional quicksand. She was all I could think about.

I remember a month where I couldn’t even get out of bed. I tried to get back into the dating scene, but every girl that I met, I would just compare to her and go, “They’re just not like her. She’s different.”

And then the same thing happened. I met the girl who I developed The Scrambler around.

I was in the friend zone with this girl, I escaped the friend zone and started dating her, then she slipped away and I became obsessed with her.

I was right back in emotional quicksand. She was all I could think about.

And every girl that I would meet, I would compare it to her.

Is She Really THAT Special?

If it was true that my college girlfriend was so “special,” and just “different,” and there would “never be anyone else I connect with,” then why did I become equally obsessed with the Scrambler girl?

The fact that I was so deeply sunken in emotional quicksand again proved that the “she’s the only one for me” mindset is a lie. It’s scarcity mentality.

It’s the thought process that there’s only a limited amount of women that fit into this box of “your type” or a limited number of girl that you’ll connect with.

But the reality is, there’s a deeper truth hiding under the surface.

You tell yourself that you’re thinking, “she’s the only one who is special.” But at the root of your emotional quicksand is something else.

It’s the fear that”

“She is the only one who finds ME special.”

Because on a logical level you know there’s plenty of other women that you would love to be with.

So the reason that you’re chasing after this one girl is because you had this good feeling with her and now you think, “Oh, I had such a good feeling with her and she’s beautiful and she’s fun, I’m never going to find another fun, beautiful woman to be with.”

That just simply isn’t the case.

The reason that players or jerks naturally make women chase them is not because women like jerks. It’s because players and jerks are confusing. So women think about them, trying to figure them out.

Why are they so confusing? It’s because of this idea, again, of abundance.

Why Women REALLY Chase Jerks?

A guy who does really well with women, he’s not going to want to settle down immediately with the first cute girl he gets along with because he knows that there’s dozens of other girls, hundreds of other girls, thousands of other girls that he could be equally compatible with. So he’s not going to commit to a relationship immediately after two dates.

He’s not going to say, “She’s the one because we had a great conversation and she kissed well.” No, he’s going to go, “She’s pretty cool. She’s good looking, but hey, I’m not committing until I know for sure that we connect on multiple levels.”

And because of that, he’s a little different.

The player, the jerk, he’s been around the block enough to know that there’s always another woman, so he’s not going to consider her girlfriend material so quickly. That makes him more exciting.

“Nice Guy” Behavior Come a Scarcity Mindset

On the other hand, the nice guy meets her and after two dates, he’s immediately going, “She’s the one, she’s girlfriend material.”

I can’t tell you how many clients they hire me and without even sleeping with a woman, they tell me “She’s girlfriend material.”

How do you know a girl is girlfriend material if you’ve never gotten physical with her, if you’ve never slept with her, if you’ve never spent a weekend with her? You don’t know anything about her until you do these things.

But because of this “Scarcity mentality

  • They don’t want to offend her.
  • They put up with her bullshit because they’re afraid that if they don’t, she’s going to walk away.
  • They try way “too hard”

5 “Nice Guy” Mistakes Men Make With Women

An Interesting Fact About “Nice Guys”

But an interesting thing happens. I’ve been coaching guys now for 12 years and I have seen many men start off nice, but then begin to learn some of this stuff. Nice guys become players very quickly once they develop abundance mentality.

Back in college, I saw guys who got to college virgins who had never even kissed girls in high school. Then they got into a new social scene where it got really easy to meet girls. You’re drinking, you’re partying and all of a sudden these nice guys developed an abundance mentality.

And what happens once you develop that abundance mentality, you become more of a natural jerk.

Now, I don’t say jerk in a bad way. I’m just saying that because guys tend to say, “Women like jerks.”

In reality, women like guys who have abundance mentality.

Jerks just happen to have that abundance mentality. But you can develop it, too.

Once you do, you fall into this jerk/player category, too, because:

  • You’re no longer willing to settle down after a couple of good dates.
  • You’re no longer considering a girl girlfriend material just because she looks good.
  • You have more options, so you keep your plate open.
  • You’re not going to settle down so quick.
  • You’re not going to tell a girl that you love or after three weeks, you’re not going to begin buying her flowers like she’s the queen.

The Only Different Between “Nice Guys” and “Jerks”

So that’s the only difference between nice guys and jerks: scarcity mentality versus abundance mentality.

If you have scarcity mentality, you tend to be nice. If you have an abundant mentality, you tend to be more of the player or jerk. It’s as simple as that.

Everything stems from that. Jerks are willing to say more offensive things. Why? Because they’re not scared of losing a woman. They know there’s a lot of other women out there.

That’s it. It’s not because these guys are naturally bad.

It’s because they can take more risks. Abundance allows you to take more risks.

The more abundance you have, the more risks you take with women, the more fun you are. Fun is a very attractive quality to women, making them more likely to chase you.

See Also:

3 Ways to Develop the “Abundance Mindset”

So now the question is how do you develop that mentality if you’ve always been the typical nice guy who doesn’t really think he has a lot of options? Maybe you struggled or maybe you’re just the type of guy that meets a girl and thinks, “Man, she’s the one.”

How do you prevent that?

Well, let’s discuss three ways that you can do that, right?

Abundance Mindset Tip #1: Express Gratitude for EVERY Situation

Change your mentality when you meet a woman that you connect with.

Don’t start thinking, “She’s girlfriend material, I’m never going to find another girl like her.”

As my friend Christian Hudson says, the best thing you can do mentally is to express gratitude for the situation.

Express gratitude for the moments you had with her.

What I mean by that is: every time I had a relationship end and I was upset about it, I always went on to meet someone that I was more compatible with, more attracted to, got along with better.

I got to the point where, when a relationship would end, I would almost be thankful.

I would say, “You know what? This just shows me that that last one wasn’t the only one.”

Remind Yourself “She Wasn’t the ONLY ONE”

There’s a lot of women out there. You’ll meet them. Especially if you’re on online dating. When you go on a date and the new girl shows up and doesn’t look like her pictures, then bores you with terrible conversation, you’ll be tempted to think about that other girl who was so much better in so many ways. But don’t.

If the relationship ends, don’t stay emotionally tied to her. Just go, “Thank you for letting me see that there are girls like that out there. Let me just get back out there because the one from three years ago, she wasn’t the only one.

My ex-girlfriend wasn’t the only one. I just met a new one and I’ll probably meet another new one. The more I’m out there, the more likely it is I’m going to meet her.”

I know that you might go, “Well, in theory, that’s easy to say, but that’s hard to do when you have feelings for a woman.”

Trust me, the one girl that you’re pining over, she’s not that special. She’s not that great. There’s nothing about her that you’re not going to find in other girls. You’re just being lied to by “scarcity mentality”.

I know this because we only really pine after a girl when we don’t have another girl that we’re into. The minute you find another girl that you’re into, that last girl becomes old news. You don’t even think about her anymore. The problem is that when you have nothing going on in your life, she’s the only thing that you can associate with those emotions. So you think she was the only one.

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Abundance Mindset Tip #2: Use the Internet

How else do you develop abundance mentality?

Well, the thing you have to keep reminding yourself is that it’s never been easier. There’s a variety of reasons why it’s never been easier, but I’m going to give you the big one.

Number one is the internet.

In the past, when I was in high school, I had no clue what I was doing wrong. I knew that I wasn’t the guy that girls liked, but I didn’t know why.

I actually wasn’t fat, but I started blaming it on being fat. I told myself, “I need to go to the gym more.”

I was naturally introverted and kind of quiet. I always said, “I’m just quiet,” to try to make that the excuse.

Well, nowadays with the internet, you can watch videos like this and understand, “Oh, wait a minute. It’s not that I’m an unattractive person, it’s that I haven’t learned to flirt yet.” Or, “It’s not that she didn’t want to kiss me, it’s that I didn’t know how to make my move in the right way.” Or, “It’s not that I’m naturally unattractive, it’s that I was too needy. I was too available.”

Neediness comes from scarcity.

Once you have an abundance mentality, that neediness disappears

When you read articles like this, you can learn that it’s not anything inherently wrong with you. It’s that there were skills that you never learned.

Because you had the scarcity mindset, you veered into the nice guy realm and it probably cost you women that you could have dated if you had learned these skills earlier in life. Well now you have no excuse because it’s everywhere you look.

The other benefit of the internet is it allows you to connect with women all over the world and also all over your town, women you wouldn’t have met otherwise. That wasn’t possible in years past. I have a lot of clients that are older guys. Guys in their 50s, even guys in their 60s, who… These guys have better sex lives than most 20-year-olds. These guys are hiring me because they’re juggling multiple women. The reason they’re able to do that is because the internet now allows this.

It’s unfathomable that 15 years ago, you were kind of relegated to your social circle. The girls you worked with and the friends of your friends.

Well nowadays, it doesn’t matter:

  • If you’re into hiking, you can go into hiking meetup groups online and connect with other hikers.
  • If you’re into music, you can go to music events.
  • If you’re into studying Mandarin, you can find girls who are doing the same.

There are endless options of ways to meet women.

Now, I understand years ago if you were an outcast – like in high school – it was tough because you didn’t really have many options. Nowadays, no matter what age group you’re in, you can go and find more women. There’s always more women.

YOU are Some Woman’s EXACT TYPE

The thing is that you’re some woman’s type, no matter what you look like, no matter what your personality type is.

I can remember being in a group one time, and this was back when I was still pretty clueless with women. I was with a lot of my other friends who were much better than me. We were playing this game. This was early in college and it was a truth or dare type game.

One of the questions was, “Who in this room would you want to hook up with?” One of the girls I never would’ve expected, she pointed to me and said, “Him.”

I never would’ve thought it. It wouldn’t even have crossed my mind, but I just happened to be her type.

Well, YOU just happen to be some woman’s type. If you put yourself out there more places, you will meet that woman. She’s out there and she’s looking for you.

But, when you sit home and you focus on the one girl in your life who isn’t into you, you’re not going to meet the one who is. You got to get out there more. It’s really never been easier.

Get On Dating Apps for the Abundance Mentality

You also got to use dating apps. Now, I’m always shocked when I do a client call, and I’m talking to a guy, and I go, “What else are you doing to meet women? What dating apps are you on?”

He’s like, “Oh, I’m not on any. I was on Tinder two years ago and it didn’t really do anything, so I haven’t been back on.”

That’s leaving a huge source of abundance untapped.

My friend, Rob Judge, is literally the master at dating apps. He’s got a video called Here is a link where you can find it:

Make sure you watch that video, because you have to be on dating apps nowadays. Even if you don’t want to be, you have to be. Because almost every woman you meet will be on these sites. You need to know what her reality is.

Most guys can’t comprehend this next statement, but it’s the truth:

Women have this abundance mentality.

That’s why women don’t settle down with guys so fast anymore. They’re on these dating apps and they know they have thousands of options.

You have thousands of options on these dating apps, too.

When you’re on these apps, and you’re communicating with girls, even if you’re not meeting up with them, you’ll begin to understand the mindset of the woman that you’re into. This is what she’s going through.

You’re not the only guy in her phone. You’re not the only guy she’s talking to.

It helps you understand that, well, if she’s the only girl you’re talking to, and you’re sitting home and you message her, and you send her this boring thing, you expect her to be all excited.

Meanwhile, she’s juggling 18 guys on Tinder. You’ve got to up your game a bit to stand out from that crowd.

You want to be on these dating sites because you will meet more women and foster the abundance mentality.

Abundance Mindset Tip #3: Constantly Grow and Improve

Always be growing and improving.

A lot of times, scarcity mentality comes because you met a really great girl. Maybe you’ve been in a relationship and you got lazy, and then you get out of the relationship, and realize that you forgot how to flirt.

You forgot all the things that made you appealing to your last girlfriend.

All of a sudden, you feel like you have nothing going on in your life. You have low self-esteem.

A lot of guys think that women have the power. But if you’re a guy who has purpose, a guy who has autonomy, has boundaries, and is going somewhere in life… those are the guys that women are insanely attracted to. They have all the power in the social scene.

It’s not that women have the power.

Instead, I say that we’ll all heard of the term “income inequality.”

The Cream Rises to the Top

Well, there’s also DATING INEQUALITY.

The guys at the top of the food chain have all the choice. The goal is not to be the guy at the bottom of the food chain. The goal is to always be rising to the top of the food chain. 

It’s not as hard as you think, when you eliminate this mentality of, “I’m not as good looking as those guys.”

Well, I can tell you this: good looks do not take you very far.

If you look at the guys in high school who are naturally good looking, you can see that they don’t normally marry the best-looking women. On the other hand, if you look at the guys in high school who struggled a little bit, they tend to be the ones who are getting the better women because they had to make their life better. And women are attracted to the guy who knows how to work to make his life better.

Don’t settle, always be striving to be better in all areas.

I have articles on my site about getting better at making money, getting stronger self-confidence, and man other topics.

Because the cream rises to the crop.

If you’re always improving, you will develop abundance mentality because you will be moving towards that pinnacle of what you can be. All of a sudden, women will start coming to you.

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I had an older client say to me recently, “Bobby, it’s 10 times easier at 50 to meet women than it was when I was 20. Because nowadays, if you’re relatively stable, in shape, and you know how to talk to women, you know how to flirt, you know how to play the game, you have this abundance mentality, you become the prize.”

As long as you have that mindset of, “I’m always going to work to be the best version of myself,” you begin to think in abundant terms because you’ll notice it.

I can’t tell you how many clients that have hired me to get one girl and now they’re like, “I don’t know if I’m ever going to settle down because there’s so many girls out there and I’m having so much fun being single.”

5 Easy Ways to Make Her CHASE YOU

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Summary of Developing the “Abundance Mindset”

To sum it up, you want to develop the mindset of abundance. That’s all it comes down to.

Abundance is the only thing that separates nice guys from guys who are successful with women.

Nice guys cling to scarcity. Players cling to abundance. Once you begin to cling to abundance, you move into that category, it’s as simple as that.

If you haven’t watched Rob’s video on dating apps, you really need to watch that because it will help foster this mentality of abundance. You can find it at

I know it’s a gloomy URL, but trust me, you want to watch it.

And remember:

    • By expressing gratitude
    • Getting into online dating
    • And continually growing and improving

You can create an authentic ABUNDANCE MENTALITY in yourself.