“THESE” Confidence Secrets Make Women Want You
We’ve all heard that confidence is insanely attractive to a woman.
But how do you display confidence? What does it look like to her?
Can you appear confident even when you’re nervous?
In this article, I’m going to share five weird confidence secrets that make you attractive as hell.
These confidence secrets will make you look more confident, and more importantly, feel more confident.
Struggling with Confidence
As a guy who was shy growing up, I had trouble talking to people, let alone girls.
Confidence was something I struggled with.
I had all these so-called faults:
- I felt boring
- I had trouble keeping a conversation going
- I wasn’t experienced with girls and I thought they could tell
- I was super scared of rejection
Whenever I was around a woman, all of that insecurity was noticeable to her.
The First Confidence Secret I Discovered
My life changed when I discovered this important secret.
The more you try to hide your insecurity, or doubts, or faults, the less confident you feel.
And the less confident you feel, the less confident you look.
So now I want to give you five things that you can do to project an extremely attractive level of confidence to women.
Confidence Secret #1: Be Shameless
Shameless is a term that I got from my good friend, Rob Judge.
A reason many guys don’t feel confident is because they have shame.
They have shame about their sexual desire as a man.
Especially nice guys, when they’re attracted to a woman in a sexual way, they feel guilty as if they have to hide it.
That hiding closes them off and it makes them not be themselves. That makes them less attractive.
Reasons for Shame
Many guys are ashamed to project that they find a woman attractive.
Other guys are ashamed about aspects of their personality, opinions, interests, economic standing, or any number of other things.
Some men live with their parents, then get around a woman and spend the whole time nervously thinking, “How am I going to answer her questions about where I live?”
Other guys might like Dungeons & Dragons or fantasy football, then have a weird shame around it when they’re around a woman.
Shameless Confidence Example #1
Years ago, I worked at a restaurant with this guy we called Handsome Nick.
We called him that because he was the complete opposite of handsome.
He was definitely not your typical good-looking guy.
He also had lots of weird interests. He was into role-playing games and he listened to weird music that nobody liked.
Be Unapologetic About Who You Are
But he was extremely unapologetic about his interests.
He would come into work loudly talking about a role playing game he was playing with his. He would brag about going to concerts of bands that nobody heard of.
He would talk to women that were multiple levels of attractiveness higher than him, but he would talk to them like it was totally natural for him to be talking to him.
He didn’t have any shame about the fact that he was skinny with scraggly hair and pockmarks all over his face.
The interesting thing was… handsome Nick always had a girlfriend. He was always dating cool girls.
I used to wonder, “How does an ugly, nerdy guy like Nick get all these girls?”
It came down to this idea that he wasn’t ashamed of who he was.
He wasn’t embarrassed by his interests or his pockmarked face or his crooked teeth.
He accepted himself and projected that out.
You Must Eliminate Your Feelings of Shame
If you want to succeed in dating, you can’t have shame about your sexual desires as a man.
A lot of times, when guys are around a really attractive woman, the guy’s whole demeanor is “I can’t let her know that I find her sexually attractive.”
Whether you’re out on a date or just talking to her, you hide your intentions.
Sometimes a woman will catch us looking at her. She’ll say, “Oh, stop staring.”
The nice guy will rush to apologize and stammer, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t staring.”
That’s really unattractive.
Much better to have a shameless attitude and tell her, “If you came out looking amazing, of course I’m going to stare at you.”
Confidence = Lack of Shame
Don’t have shame around the fact that you were looking at her
Don’t have shame around aspects of your personality, either.
If you live at home, don’t have shame around it.
Obviously, for any situation in your life that is less than ideal, you want to work to change that situation.
This isn’t an excuse to not put any effort into how you look. But it means that however you are at the moment, don’t feel shame around it.
Talk about it like it’s no big deal. That projects confidence.
Living at home with parents? No big deal. It’s cheap and temporary.
Play dungeons and dragons? No big deal. It’s fun and creative.
Being shameless is a lack of apologizing for who you are and what your circumstances are.
Confidence Secret #2: Detach from Outcome
If you watch a little kid play soccer, that kid will run around, kick the ball, have so much fun playing soccer, but then there comes a point where he gets introduced to this idea of being good or bad at it.
He starts comparing himself.
“Well, that kid’s good, that kid is bad. I’m good, I’m bad.”
Soccer becomes about the outcome of winning or losing.
If he doesn’t win, he doesn’t enjoy soccer. That enjoyment is lost once he becomes attached to the outcome.
The same thing happens with guys and women.
A large part of our lack of self-confidence around a woman is this intense attachment to whether or not she likes me, she doesn’t like me, she approves of me, or she doesn’t approve of me.
it affects every decision that we make with a woman.
We all hear that neediness is unattractive. Neediness comes from your need for a woman’s approval because you’re attached to the outcome.
“I need her to like me.”
When you need that outcome of her liking you, that displays neediness, which projects a lack of confidence.
Eliminate Your Need for Reassurance
When a guy starts out dating a woman, then loses her, it’s often because he displayed a need for reassurance.
When she acts a little different or she’s cold with him one night, he freaks out because he wonders, “Does she still like me? Did I mess up?”
He makes the mistake of asking, “Is everything okay? Are you all right?”
That need for reassurance bubbles out because he wants a specific outcome.
Eliminate Your Need for Attention
When you need somebody’s attention, it projects lack of confidence.
And it all comes down to attachment to outcome.
I gave an example of saying to a woman, “Of course, I’m looking at you. I find you ridiculously attractive.”
If you’re attached to an outcome and you’re saying that to the woman because you want the outcome of, “I want to get her to like me,” then no matter how well chosen the words are, that underlying neediness is going to be felt.
But if you’re saying it because you’re unapologetically comfortable with the fact that you’re a man and you find women attractive, that’s what makes you look confident.
Enjoy, Don’t Need to Own
One piece of advice that I give guys is this:
Enjoy, don’t try to own.
That’s the attitude to have with women.
Whether it’s a date that you’re going on, a girl you’re talking to, maybe you’re just at a bar and you see a woman that you want to approach…
When you’re attached to an outcome, it’s really hard to enjoy the interaction because it’s all about whether or not you win or lose.
“Did I get her? Did I not get her? Did I get a phone number? Am I going to get another date?”
When you’re dating a woman, a lot of insecurity comes from whether she likes you enough to be your girlfriend.
We’re worried about it and trying to impress her. We get nervous when she’s not answering our text.
That worry comes out of a desire to lock it down. It’s a desire to achieve that outcome.
But when you look at it like, “I’m just going to enjoy my time with a woman,” it allows you to be shameless because you’re not trying to impress her.
Tell yourself, “I’m going to enjoy my experience with her. If this date is the only date I have with her, I’m going to enjoy it. If I hang out with her for three weeks and nothing comes of it, I’m going to enjoy those three weeks. I’m going to be myself.”
This is counter-intuitive. You don’t get her to have fun by trying to copy her interests. You get her to have fun by enjoying your own interests.
When you enjoy something, even if it’s not something she typically would enjoy, it makes her enjoy it.
It makes you look confident and it makes her relish the experience.
If you bring a woman to some obscure band that is not the kind of music that she would listen to… and you’re just rocking out to it without worrying about whether she likes it… she’ll have a better time.
She’ll think, “This guy doesn’t need anything from me.”
Self-Validation NOT External Validation
You’ve got to be self-validated.
Say to yourself, “This is what I like. This is who I am. I’m proud of it. I’m into it.”
A Warning About “Just be Yourself”
I’m going to repeat this because I know some guys are going to go, “Well, see, I’m just myself,” and se that as an excuse to slack off in life.
Here’s the deal. We all have a level of being our best self.
So if we’ve let ourself go and we’re being lazy and we know, “This is not the best I can be,” then put in the effort to be the best you can be.
That way you can say to yourself, “I may never be a male model, but I’m the best I can be, and that’s enough for me. I’m comfortable. I’m happy with who I am. There’s nothing about myself that I’m embarrassed about or that will come out.”
You’ll project that. And then you won’t need anybody else’s approval. You won’t need her validation. And that will make you insanely attractive to her.
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Confidence Secret #3: Lead the Vibe
When you’re with a woman, don’t look for her to lead.
When you do that, you’re saying, “You have the higher position than me, you have the higher status than me. I’m going to wait and see what you do and I’ll react to that.”
If you’re out on a date with a woman for the first time, don’t try to mirror her. That’s what most guys do.
I know that’s what I used to do for a really long time.
If she was being conservative and not really flirty with me, I would mirror that back to her. I would talk to her about neutral topics and not express sexual interest because she wasn’t doing that to me.
Well, confidence is about taking that risk.
Taking the risk means you have to be the one to lead the vibe.
Don’t wait for her to get flirty with you on a date. Be the one to introduce flirting. Make a banter comment first, start teasing her.
In every aspect, just leading the vibe makes you more attractive. It makes you appear confident.
Escalation Is Attractive
This is a term that my friend Chris Anderson uses:
A lot of times we’re afraid of rejection, thinking, “I don’t want to ask her out. I don’t want to grab her hand as I walk with her. I don’t want to go for the kiss. I don’t want to invite her back to my place.”
We don’t do it because we’re like, “Oh, it’s going to make me look weird.”
It comes from shamefulness. We feel shame around the fact that we’re attracted to her.
But when you give into that fear and pass up on the chance to make those moves, the woman notices. She thinks, “This guy was scared to make a move.”
On the other hand, if you go for it, even if she rejects your advance, she’s going to end up more attracted to you than if you did nothing.
If you go for the kiss, or you start flirting with her, or invite her home, she’s going to assume that you get other women. Because you’re so confident making the move.
If you’re inviting her home or going for the kiss, she’s going to go, “He must be used to women saying yes. He seems confident.”
You can even lead the vibe by being the first one to say, “Hey, this place kind of sucks. Let’s go somewhere else.”
Set the Vibe in All of Your Interactions
It also works with groups of coworkers or acquaintances. When everybody is formal and feeling each other out, one person cracks the first joke and then everybody’s like, “Oh, okay. I can crack a joke too.”
You want to be the one to crack the first joke. You want to set the tone that you want the group follow.
You want to set the vibe for the way you want the date to go.
Confidence Secret #4: Cool Vulnerability
If you’ve ever seen somebody go up on stage to accept an award, they often say, “I’m so nervous right now,” and then they go into their speech.
You never actually think that they’re nervous.
It actually appears like, “Whoa, this person’s confident.”
Because they just admitted their nervousness to everybody.
On the other hand, we’ve all seen a speech where the person gets up there and you can tell they’re nervous, but they’re trying to hide it.
Cool vulnerability is admitting that you’re nervous.
If you’re talking to a girl and you say something kind of dumb or tell a joke and it bombs, don’t try to hide it. Don’t feel shame about it.
Instead, say, “That joke just bombed. You got me nervous. I can’t think straight with how cute you are right now.”
You’re being vulnerable.
Confessions of an Introvert
I’m introverted. So for a really long time, I hid that fact.
If I’m hanging out in a group, I sometimes space out.
People sometimes notice and say, “What’s wrong?”
And I used to be like, “Oh, nothing.” The old me was defensive about it.
Now, I say, “Oh, I’m just an introvert. It’s just me spacing out.”
I’m not ashamed of it.
Cool vulnerability is when you’re able to laugh at yourself in a sense.
It means being able to highlight some of the things that might otherwise be embarrassing.
Right & Wrong Types of Vulnerability
While cool vulnerability is great, keep in mind that it’s different from being completely vulnerable.
Being completely vulnerable is if you’re with a woman and you’re like, “Yeah. My dad didn’t love me enough when I was growing up and it made me suicidal.”
That’s not how you want to be.
Remember our lesson on leading the vibe? Confessing “my dad didn’t love me enough” doesn’t create a fun or sexy vibe. And it doesn’t come across as cool.
Being cool vulnerable is about being able to laugh at yourself over minor things.
If you tell corny jokes, if you stumble over your words, if you’re a hypochondriac and imagine that you have rare diseases, if you have awful handwriting or can’t spell, if you have some mild insecurity about lacking a skill – all those are great opportunities to laugh at yourself and make a joke about it with cool vulnerability.
Cool Vulnerability Example #1
Back in the day, I had a friend who people used to think was gay.
He talked and walked in a mildly effeminate way, but he was completely into women.
He used to be very insecure about people assuming he was gay.
Then he started using cool vulnerability. It simply became part of who he was.
He would talk to a woman and ask her, “Do I look gay? Just be honest with me. Because people tell me I come across as gay.”
He wasn’t ashamed of it anymore.
It ties back into shamelessness. And that’s kind of what cool vulnerability is.
It’s saying, “Here’s what I’m feeling.”
It could be that you go for the kiss, she turns her cheek, so you say, “Oh, you just gave me the cheek. That’s rough, but I’m going to keep trying.”
It shows confidence.
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Confidence Secrets #5: Assume Rapport
This is something that I struggled with as an introvert.
Growing up, it took me a long time to get comfortable around somebody.
I’d have to talk to them five or six times and act stiff, like a cardboard cutout, before I finally let my real self come out.
Then one day I was watching my friend who has always done really well with women.
We had the same sense of humor, we were very similar people. But he had tons of friends and I didn’t.
One day I finally figured out why. When he met people, he assumed rapport. Right away he would talk to them like they were his old friends.
We would be at a bar and he would turn to talk to girls like he’s known them forever.
He’d say, “Hey, how’s it going?”
Whereas me, I’d be like, “Hi. I’m Bobby. Nice to meet you.”
I’d have my guard up and he wouldn’t.
I started experimenting with dropping my formality and letting my guard down.
What’s great about is not only do you feel more confident, not only do you look more confident, but the other person then mirrors you.
You’re leading the vibe.
If you talk to them like an old friend, they’re going to talk to you like you’re an old friend. It allows you to get to a comfortable level much faster.
Recap of the 5 Confidence Secrets
As you can see, a lot of these confidence secrets intertwine.
Being shameless plays into being unattached to outcome and being coolly vulnerable.
Leading the vibe plays into assuming rapport.
When you combine all of these confidence secrets together, they make you look and feel way more confident, which makes you way more attractive to women.
The Next Step
I created a 10-question quiz that I recommend you take.
It covers 10 specific scenarios that happen with women. 10 things you’re going to run into, whether it’s on a date or talking to a girl at a party.
It lays out each situation, then it gives you choices: how would you respond in this scenario?
After you go through the questions, you’ll get the answers to what was the right way to respond.
Guys find this powerful because you see: the five confidence secrets play out in how you react in every single thing you do.
I’ll warn you, most guys get seven out of 10 questions wrong.
Now, be honest. Are you making mistakes with women? To reveal all the subtle nice guy errors you might be committing, take the quiz at the link below.