4 Ways to Regain the “Upper Hand” with a Girl

Dating > Attraction > Regain “upper hand”
by Bobby Rio • Updated: August 08, 2022

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regain the upper hand hand with a girl

How to Regain the Upper Hand and Make Her Want You Again

If you feel a girl losing interest, if you sense she’s pulling away…

What can you do turn things around, change her mind, and have her chasing you again?

That’s what I’m going to reveal in this article…

One of the big questions we often get is; what can I do to re-ignite attraction when a girl starts slipping away?

In fact, Rob Judge and I were out at dinner recently with some friends.

One of our buddies was talking about how he started dating some girl. He’s really into her, but he’s got that sinking feeling that he doesn’t have any of the control.

Everything is on her terms.

She’s got all the power.

And we all know, that when a girl has all the power, that’s a recipe for disaster.

So he asked, “What can I do to get the upper hand back?”

Rob and I gave him four tips that help you regain the “upper hand”. Now we want to share those tips with you.

I also want to warn you, when you feel her slipping away, avoid these 5 mistakes men make when a girl “pulls away”.

“Upper Hand” Tip #1: Ask Her For A Favor

Ask the girl for a favor.  Yeah, it’s counterintuitive. But there’s a psychology behind it

We talk a lot about how it never works to use nice guy behavior like doing favors for a woman and trying to be a white knight.

But most guys never think about the fact that the inverse is true.

While trying to do favors will repel women, asking her to do you a favor will attract her.

This is due to the principle of justification.

The Effort Justification Principle

The more effort you put into something, the more you feel invested in it.

When guys realize it’s not going to go anywhere with a woman, they put so much effort in that they convince themselves they like her.

You’re doing that in reverse when you’re asking her to do you a favor, because normally it’s the opposite. Normally you’re driving her to the airport. You’re moving furniture.

You reverse that when you say, “Can you give me a ride somewhere?” or “Can you walk my dog while I’m at work?”

While she’s doing you the favor, it makes her feel invested in you.

She thinks, “If I’m doing this, it must be because I really like this guy. Or else I wouldn’t bother.”

Good Samaritan Euphoria

Another reason it works to ask her for a favor is that we all feel good when we help someone.

That’s why a lot of guys do nice guy behaviors: they feel good about themselves.

Asking her to do a favor gives her the opportunity to be the white knight.

Rob Judge does it regularly with his girlfriend. Rob doesn’t speak Spanish; his girlfriend is Mexican. So he’ll ask her to translate something for him.

You don’t have to ask her for some huge, monumental thing. But it should be something that requires her to take some time out of her day and invest a bit of energy.

The Benjamin Franklin Example

Even Ben Franklin found this tactic useful.

He once had a big feud with a guy he knew. Unfortunately, Ben Franklin was in the wrong. In order to end the feud, Ben asked him, “Hey, can I borrow this book from you?”

The guy lent him the book and wound up forgiving him.

You would think it would be the opposite. But that’s how it works.

It’s subtle, but it starts establishing a little more of your power.

5 Mistakes to Avoid When You Lose the “Upper Hand”

“Upper Hand” Tip #2: Ration Your Time

So, the first tip is ration your time and attention

One of the first things our friend complained about was that he has a more flexible schedule than the girl he’s dating.

He’s telling us, “It’s always her dictating when we hang out. I’m always wondering if Tuesday night’s not good for her.”

Or like, he’s moving his schedule around to accommodate her.

It was obvious that she had all of the “time power”.

In a relationship, the person with the higher status doesn’t see the other person’s time as valuable.

The lower status person usually appears to have an abundance of time.

This allows them to be taken for granted.

Just like anything in life, the more abundant a resource is, the less valuable it is.

So you need to apply some scarcity to your time.

When the woman is the only one in the relationship who has things competing for her time, she starts controlling everything.

The guy sees her time as more valuable than his, he starts being afraid to be unavailable.

Maybe he thinks, “If I can’t hang out tonight, I might not get to see her til next week!”

So he cancels his other plan to make sure to see her.

She starts getting used to the notion that he’s always flexible.

So she thinks she doesn’t have to be.

Now, the thing is, when a girl has a tight schedule, very often we don’t want to turn down a chance to hang out with her.

So how can we still ration our time with her?

Use “Time Constraints” to Regain the Upper Hand

One way to apply scarcity to your time is introduce a “time constraint”.

Anytime you make plans, tell her, “We can grab coffee, but I got to be out by 6:00,” or “I can only stay for an hour.”

If you talk on the phone, tell her, “Hey, I thought I’d call you because I have a quick 10 minutes, but I got to be off the phone at noon ’cause…”

and give some brief hint of a reason.

It’s best if you have activities in your life that makes this plausible.

But even if you don’t, you still should do this.

It’ll make her see your time as having value again.

The principle of time constraint also applies to calling a girl back and responding to texts.

If a girl calls you, especially if we haven’t heard from her in a bit, we get really excited.

We want to pick up right away, or text her back right away.

Sometimes you can, but other times, it’s wise to miss the call, then call her back in ten or fifteen minutes.

The sub-communication is that you have competition for your time, too.

A lot of guys think, “I’m not going to call her back til tomorrow. I’m not going to text her back til tomorrow.”

I want to give you a better, sneakier and way more effective way to control the timing.

Here’s what you do…

You wait till a certain time – maybe it’s right before you go to bed.

Then you text, “Hey, saw you called. I’ll hit you up tomorrow.”

You’re dictating that it’s going to happen tomorrow.

And to make it more powerful…

You MAKE HER WAIT till later in the day for your returned call.

What’s cool is it makes her think, “If he had time to text me that, why didn’t he just call me?”

“Is he with someone? What’s going on?”

We all know the more she thinks about you, the more she falls for you, right?

It’s even more powerful than simply not calling until tomorrow.

“Upper Hand” Tip #3:  Stop Explaining Yourself

As the dinner progressed, Rob and I began reading over this guy’s texts.

We saw an accusatory tone creep into her messages. She was writing stuff like, “Why did you give me this advice? This was wrong.”

In response, he’d written large paragraphs of text to justify himself.

He wrote, “I did it because I have a degree in this and I’m an expert and I know what I’m talking about.” He went on and on.

He thought he was simply defending himself or proving that she was wrong.

But what he was actually doing was revealing that he had the lower status position in the relationship dynamic.

Assume Authority

Let’s take a deeper look at the concept of explaining.

If Rob or I were working with a client and we gave him a piece of advice and then he’s like, “Well, why did you give me that advice?” If we said, “Well, it normally works and it should have worked,” it would lower our authority.

On the other hand, if we go, “Listen, that’s what works. You don’t have to do it, but that’s what works,” we would automatically get that status back, because we’d be full of certainty.

We’d be speaking with authority. And that’s exactly what you should do.

An Example of the “Upper Hand” in Sales

I’m having a pool built at my house and I got estimates from two different contractors.

When the second contractor handed me his quote, I told him the other guy had been cheaper. That’s when the second contractor told me, “Well, then go with him.”

He didn’t say, “I do more work.” He didn’t bend over backwards to explain himself. That would have communicated that he needed my business.

I ended up hiring the more expensive contractor because he was so confident. I trusted that he’d be an authority because he didn’t bother to explain himself.

The Michael Jordan Example

If you saw Michael Jordan on the street and told him, “You suck at basketball,” Michael wouldn’t sit there and say, “How can you say that? I’ve won six NBA championships! I was the MVP five times! I was in the Olympics!”

No. He would scoff at you and say, “Okay, pal. Laters.”

Because he has nothing to prove.

That’s how you have to look at this. If you want to take that power back and get on even footing with a woman, never give rationalizations. Don’t be overly logical. Just stand firm in your position.

Be the guy who doesn’t need to explain.

“Upper Hand” Tip #4: Pull back Your Interest a Bit…

Now you don’t want to overdue this because if you do it wrong, it can kill the chemistry

However, in small doses it works wonders.

In essence, you’re mirroring her a bit, right?

On the surface, you act like everything is fine, you’re not confronting her, your not seeming upset or needy that she’s pulling away.

You just pull back a bit yourself.

Here’s the important part though, it can NOT appear like a reaction to her behavior. She can’t think you’re upset or anything.

It has to feel to her like you’re genuinely losing a bit of interest in her.

One thing we always tell clients, never reward bad behavior.

Unfortunately that’s what most guys do. When a girl goes cold, they get even hotter thinking it will convince her to stay.

But in reality, you’re rewarding her bad behavior.

Which makes her lose respect for you.

So instead, you make slight changes that make her feel like HER CHARM is wearing off.

Because we hate losing something right?

She likes feeling special and when you seem to less enchanted with her, it compels her to try harder.

And a woman can only feel attraction when she’s trying to impress you.

So doing things like…

Acting a less enthusiastic to hear from her, a little less certain about her.

And really, as Rob and I teach in the Scrambler, the subtle, under-the-radar things are most effective.

For example, if you always listen to her problems and give her advice when she’s down…

Instead, change the subject.

If you always agree with her, disagree with her on something.

The point is to show her that her control over you is beginning to wane….

And don’t explain. yourself. This is key.

So if she’s like, is something wrong.

DO NOT tell her that you’re acting this way because of how she’s acting.

Be like ‘no’, everything is fine.

But seem distracted.

Leave her wondering what’s going on…

That draws her back in.

A lot of guys want the grand gesture to get her back…

And because of this, they make all the common mistakes I talk about in my 5 mistakes men make when a girl pulls away video

Recap of Regaining the “Upper Hand” with a Girl

There’s no single grand gesture that restores the power dynamic or gets you the upper hand.

What works is these subtle little things that you start applying.

To get the power back – or to maintain equal power –  do what we told our buddy at dinner:

  • Get her to put in effort by asking her for a favor
  • Never explain yourself, let things roll off your back instead
  • Make yourself less available by putting constraints on your time
  • Pull back a bit to get her chasing you again

Be Preemptive to Avoid Losing the “Upper Hand”

You don’t have to wait until you’ve lost the power. When you start dating someone new, make a conscious effort to apply these techniques

On a first date, maybe she tells you about something she saw online, tell her, “Send me that link.”

Then when she goes home, she’s got to do something for you.

If you’d like to learn more tips to round out your game, check out some more articles on this site.

Your #1 Source of Power Over Any Girl

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