The “Hot and Cold” Formula to Make Her WANT YOU

Dating > Attraction > Hot & Cold
by Bobby Rio • Updated: July 20, 2022

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hot and cold attraction

The Secret Power of Acting “Hot” and “Cold”

Maybe you’ve got a girl in your life who thinks you’re so-so.

Or maybe she doesn’t even know you exist.

There’s one secret behavior trick you can do to get her suddenly paying more attention, feeling more and more attracted to you, and eventually chasing you.

It’s a universal trait that I have helped guys master for the past 12 years.

It’s the idea of being “HOT AND COLD” to someone.

I first discovered this in a psychology book back in college. It was a book about making someone fall in love with you. It’s now out of print.

It talked about one concept:

When Someone is Hot and Cold We Chase Them

Back then, I was introverted and shy. So I assumed it would be easy for me to do.

I thought, “I can just be a little cold and distant today, then next time I’ll be talkative.”


Because “hot” and “cold” is a universal attraction trigger

In fact, when I’m coaching guys with their dating life… and they describe the girl they are obsessed with… time after time I see that the girl is using this exact same tactic on the guy.

I have to say, “She’s being hot and cold to you.”

I’m friends with a lot of dating instructors & therapists who coach women. The number one issue that they find is: women are also chasing a guy who’s being hot and cold to them.

Like I said, it’s a universal trait. So let’s define it.

What is “Hot” and “Cold” Behavior

You’re hanging out with a girl. She’s laughing at your jokes. She’s talking about a future with you, mentioning things she wants to do together. She’s being completely flirty with you.

Then you hang out a week later and you notice… something’s different.

She’s not putting as much effort in.

She’s not laughing at your jokes as much.

Sometimes you text her and she tells you a long answer about her day. But the next time you text her, it’s crickets.

You’re seeing two totally different behaviors.


We say we hate it, but we still chase the women who do it.

Girls say they hate it, but they still chase the guys who do it.

Universal behavior.

So, why does it work?

Here are some reasons why “hot” and “cold” makes a woman chase you.

Reason #1: It Taps Into Confusion and Mystery

Part of us just wants to know, does she like me? Does she not like me?

It gets us wrapped up in our head, trying to figure out what’s going on.

It’s like a movie that you’re trying to piece together.

I used this tactic on a girl back in college. She wound up hooking up with me and saying, “I had to hook up with you just to find out if you liked me or hated me because I had no clue.”

I was overdoing it back then. You don’t want to go as far as I did.

But it shows that when “hot & cold” kicks in, it’s incredibly powerful.

Reason #2: It Creates a Rollercoaster of Emotions

People value something more if they’re not sure they can have it.

When you sense that a girl really likes you… and she likes you all the time… eventually, you begin to question whether you even want her.

The same thing happens when you constantly display to a woman that you like her and like her all the time.

If you’re always available to her and hot, hot, hot towards her, she gets used to it and takes it for granted.

She goes, “Okay, I’ve got him. The challenge is over. I can relax and decide whether I even want him.”

When there’s an alternating between hot and cold, she doesn’t get that chance to relax and take you for granted.

Instead, she’s riding a rollercoaster of ups and downs, hoping to catch the highpoint of your interest again.

She comes to anticipate and look forward to the good times with you. Just like waiting for the next high-speed drop on a rollercoaster – it’s EXCITING.

When you’re not sure when it’s coming, whether it’s coming, how it’s coming… you can’t stop anticipating it.

Get her thinking that way about you.

“THIS” Gives Her the Addicting Tension She Craves

Reason #3: It Creates Fear of Loss In Her

When we fear we might lose something, we begin to put more value on it.
We’ve all been there, right?

Maybe you had a slight interest in a girl. Then she pulled away and you’re like, “Woah, I don’t want to lose her!”

Women have that same instinct.

When a man starts pulling away, something kicks in with them and they don’t want to lose him. So in the “Hot & Cold” cycle, each time you’re cold, you give her that impression that you may be pulling away.

She’ll be motivated to win back your affection.

Reason #4: It Plays on Her Ego

When somebody is really attracted to us (when someone is “hot” towards us), it feels good.

When you’re hot towards a woman, she starts thinking, “Look at the way he treats me. This is proof that I’m special. I’m the shit. I’m valuable.”

But then when you’re cold, all of the sudden, she questions, “Woah… am I not special anymore? Is it that I don’t look as good today? Am I getting boring? Am I no longer fun?”

Her ego kicks in and all of the sudden she wants that hot feeling back.

When a woman goes cold on you, you feel the same way. You get desperate to feel her paying attention to you again. You crave her validation.

Don’t feel bad. Women are 100 percent comfortable doing this to you. It’s only fair that you do it back to them.

And in the end, you know you like the woman so you’re going to bring the “hot” feelings back to her again. You just can’t let her know that.

You keep her in suspense.

When you’re cold, she gets confused. She associates it with herself and starts going, “Is there another girl he’s with that’s more attractive than me?”

She starts competing for your attention. Even if there’s really no other girl to compete with.

A WARNING: Don’t use this technique in a manipulative way.

But just understand that if you’re hot all the time, you’re going to get boring.

And you’re going to lose her.

But if you’re cold all the time, she won’t enjoy being around you at all.

And you’re going to lose her.

The sweet spot is when you mix in a little bit of cold with a little bit of hot.

It gets her thinking about you.

And one of the things that I teach in the Scrambler is that, the more you get a woman thinking about you, the more likely it is she’s going to fall in love with you.

2 Ways to Use “Hot” and “Cold” Behavior

Below are two situations where you can use “hot” and “cold’ behavior to increase a woman’s attraction to you.

Is a Girl Being “Hot” and “Cold”?

Number #1: Hot and Cold to Attract New Women

You can use it to initially get a woman attracted to you. This works really well in a social scene or a job, for instance, anywhere where you’re seeing the same girls, the same women, over and over.

I’ve used it, like I mentioned earlier, in college where I would see a lot of the same girls in class or at parties. I’d walk up and say, “Hey, how are you doing?” Then other times I would see them and act like I was too busy to notice them.

The more I did that, the more they started coming up to me and trying to get my approval.

I did same thing in workplaces. I worked in a bar and a restaurant for periods of time. The same thing worked on the beautiful waitresses.

Some days I would come into work and I’d be the life of the party, in a good mood, talking to them, showing them a lot of attention.

Other days, I would walk in and do my own thing. And what I noticed is, when I did that, they’d come down and sit next to me and try to get me talking. They’d try to get me back to being that fun guy I had been the other day.

What that’s doing is getting them to put in the effort. And the more a woman puts in effort to win you over, the more she asks herself, “Why am I doing this? I must really like this guy. He must be special.”

Number #2: Hot and Cold to Make a Girl You’re Dating Chase You

When a lot of guys have a really good date, they immediately want to double down on that.

They tell the girl, “I had a really good time, let’s do this again tomorrow.”

Don’t do that. That’s way too much “hot” all at once. You’ll get taken for granted and dropped.

Instead, leave some room for uncertainty.

  • The next time you see her, just be slightly less engaged with her.
  • It could be something as simple as just not putting in as much effort. When a conversation is dying down, don’t step in to fill the silence and keep her entertained.
  • Instead, hang back, stay quiet.
  • Let her step in to try to entertain you.
  • Let her end the silence because she’s afraid you might get bored.

When she sees you’re less interested than you were last time, that peaks her interest.

It’s going to create that mystery about you. It’s going to get her chasing that validation for her ego. All the reasons we talked about are going to kick in.


Don’t let this be a technique that you use, because it will seem inauthentic. You want to incorporate it into your personality.

Some guys naturally have a personality type that makes them come across as too “hot” and lack mystery.

How Good Are You At “The Game”?

I have a PERSONALITY QUIZ that I recommend.

Click on the link below.

It’s seven questions that identify:

• Your attraction type.
• The mistakes you’re making with women.
• How much natural mystery is in your personality.
• How prone you are to being “hot” versus “cold.”

It will help you adjust your behavior.

If you find yourself losing girls, TAKE THE QUIZ TO IDENTIFY WHAT MAY BE CAUSING IT.

Being “hot and cold” is a universal principle. So remember: don’t fall victim to it. Make it work for you.