Dating > Attraction > Sexual Tension
by Chris Anderson • Updated: August 19, 2022
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Sexual Tension is the Secret to Attraction
How can you be a more sexual man?
How do you embrace sexual tension and use it to your advantage instead of getting scared by it?
That’s what we’re going to talk about in this article.
We’re going to go over five secrets that I’ve uncovered over the past 10 years that I think are going to really help you out in your game.
Being “Social” vs “Being “Sexy”
When I first got into dating advice, the industry used to focus on just being social.
The most social guy was the winner. He was the talkative guy, the entertaining guy, everybody dreamed of being that social guy. Almost like a Vince Vaughn in Swingers, that’s who I wanted to be.
But the more I got into dating advice, I realized that just being social wasn’t working. I would get girls to laugh. I would get the occasional number, but nothing panned out.
I realized that being more seductive works much better.
Being “seductive” is all about bringing out the “sexual tension” between men and women, so today we’re sharing five secrets that are going to just take your sexual tension game to the next level.
Sexual Tension Tip #1: Practice Makes Perfect
When you first start out, you are not going to be good or comfortable with “sexual tension.”
You’re probably very used to the way you’ve attempted to attract women for years. Maybe you’re used to being the social guy, like I was.
When you go to a party or a bar, you’re going to be afraid to change up your style and act more seductive.
Maybe you’re afraid your friends are going to laugh at you.
You’re going to think, “All right, I’m going to use my sexy face… Oh man, I can’t do this. I feel creepy.”
Don’t worry: that’s all part of the learning process. You don’t get this overnight.
However, without realizing it, you’ve probably already mastered it in certain areas.
When you hear a guy on the phone with a girl, you can just hear it in the voice if he’s on that level or not. If he is, you’ll sense a smooth Barry White-like deep tone, versus a guy who’s still in social mode asking “How’s it going?” in a high-pitched voice.
Sexual Tension Tip #2: Listen More Than You Speak
A lot of guys mistakenly think they need to entertain women to keep them from leaving.
But the truth is: it’s harder to be seductive and create sexual tension when you’re talking.
Ask yourself…
What’s easier: using sexy eye contact when you’re talking or when you’re listening?
What’s easier: getting closer to a woman when you’re blabbing or when you’re listening?
The Power of Seductive Listening
I came up with a special technique called “seductive listening.”
First, listen more than you talk. About 75% listening and 25% talking is a good mix.
Here’s what you do:
- Let her talk about herself while you sit back
- Look at her
- Be a little more seductive
- Get a little closer
- And use eye contact.
When you’re talking, you’re likely to forget to do that stuff.
And a lot of times when you’re talking, especially when you’re overeager to impress, you project facial expressions and body language that turn a woman off.
You act over-animated and try to be funny. You come across as clownish.
You don’t look sexy.
Instead, stepping back and doing less talking could greatly increase your odds of coming across as smooth, confident, and relaxed.
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Sexual Tension #3: Be Ready for Tests
When you first start trying to build sexual tension, you’re going to be tested.
There’s no way around it. You’re going from being the safe social guy to suddenly being that seductive sexual guy. At first, girls are going to call you out on it.
One test you might get:
Let’s say you’re with a girl you’re trying to get with and you’re acting a little more sexy and seductive.
She might say something like, “What?”
If she says it in a combative way as if to say, “What are you looking at?” then that’s not a good sign, it’s a sign that you need to practice this more.
But if she says “What?” with a feminine undertone and a sense of self-consciousness from the attention, that’s exactly the response you want.
Anytime a girl gives a feminine response to tension, it’s a great thing.
So when a girl goes, “What,” she’s actually being feminine and playful and she’s responding well to what you’re doing.
Learning to Enjoy Tests
It’s not a bad thing to get tested.
Sure, it could mean you weren’t doing it perfectly, but the great thing is that when you get tested, it gives you a chance to recover and create more attraction by the way you handle it.
Just respond in a way that shows confidence.
If a women goes, “What?” and you rush to say, “Oh no, sorry, I didn’t mean to… ” then you’ve failed that test by letting her scare you away from creating tension.
But if she says, “What?” and you handle it the right way, there’s nothing wrong with it.
You should start looking forward to tests, because it gives you a chance to pass the test.
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Sexual Tension Tip #4: Show the Right Amount of Interest
When I first got into dating advice, a lot of the old teachings would say, “Act disinterested, pretend you don’t like her.”
That’s not actually a good strategy.
When you’re being seductive and building sexual tension, it definitely shows interest.
The girl knows.
She thinks, “This guy kind of likes me. He’s putting out that smooth vibe. He’s got the bedroom eyes, he’s moving closer. This guy knows what’s up.”
So it shows interest, but the caveat is to balance that interest with a little bit of challenge.
Women like a little bit of a challenge.
While you’re using eye contact, getting closer, being sexy, and doing all those great things that show interest, you also need to be sending the message, “I’m screening you.”
The Seductive Screening Look
Look at her with a vibe that, about 50 percent of the time, communicates, “Hmm, I’m still unsure about you. You haven’t totally won me over.”
This is playful. This isn’t a game to try to trick a woman.
Visualize Matthew McConaughey talking to a girl.
She knows he wants her, but he’s laid-back and screening her. He’s not overeager with her.
He’s got an attitude that conveys, “Yeah, I’d like to do something with you… but convince me it’s worth my time.”
And leaning back – like Matthew McConaughey does – is great because it demonstrates that you’re still unsure, even as you make eye contact and create sexual tension.
Strive to create a 50/50 blend of interest and challenge.
Sexual Tension #5: Make Your Move (Before It’s Too Late)
No matter how good you get at creating sexual tension, DO NOT let the tension and seductive vibe go on too long without making your move.
By making a move, we mean start touching her in an intimate way, we mean going for the kiss and attempting to get her into bed.
We’ll be on calls with private coaching clients who will say things like, “I’ve been building the tension for two months now.”
We’ll say, “Whoa, what do you mean you’ve been building the tension for two months? You’re only supposed to do this for a few minutes and then make your move!”
Why You Must Make a Move
Let’s say you’re at a bar or a party with your friends. You see a girl at a distant table and start looking at her.
At first, she’s excited by it. She may look at you and giggle with her girlfriends. It’s an exciting thing to think, “Somebody’s looking at me.”
But what happens when you don’t get up and approach her?
The tension that you created goes from being exciting to being creepy because now she thinks, “What is this guy looking at? This guy’s weird. Let’s pack up our stuff and leave.”
When you build tension, give her a little bit of release. Make that move. Show your interest.
What happens when you don’t make a move
Back in college, there was this girl that told a few of my friends, “I’m into Chris.”
It was known among all of our friends that she liked me, so when she came to a party at the house I was living in, her friends were giggling and watching as I sat on the couch with her.
It started off perfect.
I was leaning back, building up the tension.
But then 10 minutes later, I was still just building up tension instead of making the next move.
Another ten minutes went by and then she’s like, “Uh, yeah, so …”
You could just feel it getting weirder and weirder as we were sitting there.
I was rusty and coming out of a relationship, and I incorrectly thought, “I don’t know if I want people to see me make my move, so I’m gonna wait.”
But she doesn’t know what’s going through my mind.
Don’t let the “sexual vibe” slip away
All she knows is that we just went from strong chemistry to total awkwardness.
For the first five minutes, the vibe was, “We’re about to go upstairs and tear each other’s clothes off.”
Then for the next ten minutes, the vibe became, “Something better happen fast or this will get weird.”
Then it finally devolved into, “This is really freaking awkward.”
Being a Challenge vs Being a Wussy
Sexual Tension Tip #6: Know When To Stop Being Laid-Back
When you become the sexy, seductive guy, being laid-back is part of what gets women interested.
They think, “This guy’s laid-back, I have to chase this guy. He’s cool.”
But when it’s time to make your move, you can’t be the laid-back guy anymore. You’ve got to be the take-charge guy. You’ve got to be the persistent guy.
It’s not cool to be the persistent guy at the beginning. You’ll come across like you’re trying too hard to get the girls.
So the key is to begin as the laid-back guy, attract her attention with the “I’m still screening you attitude,” then transition into being the persistent guy when it’s time to make the move.
