5 Ways to Spark the “Flirty Vibe” with a Girl

Dating> Flirting > Spark the Vibe
by Bobby Rio • Updated: August 27th, 2022

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spark the vibe with a girl

How to Spark the Vibe with a Girl

I’ve been coaching guys for 12 years and I know that one of the biggest frustrations that guys run into is not knowing what to say to create chemistry.

Most guys don’t know how to have a conversation that moves from a platonic level to a flirtatious one.

In this article, I’m going to give you five conversation tactics that will spark an attraction between you and the woman you’re talking to.

Now for me, not knowing what to say was my biggest struggle. As a natural introvert, it never came easy to me. I would always resort to boring interview-style questions like, “Did you grow up around here? Do you have any brothers or sisters? What do you do for fun?”

I would spitball question after question at her. The date would end and, after a couple hours of talking with her, I would feel like I didn’t get any closer with her than I did in the beginning of the date.

I realized that a lot of it had to do with the type of conversations that I was having, but more importantly, the method I was using to create attraction.

In fact, I had no method. Which is why I could almost never spark the vibe with a girl.

Why Sparking “the vibe” is So Important

I went into it just thinking, “Well, if I look good enough and I’m kind of funny, she’ll be attracted to me.”

That doesn’t work.

You must have a conversation that creates a sexual vibe.

The vibe is what it’s all about.

A woman doesn’t walk away from a date and keep a checklist of everything that you said.

She walks away going, “Did I feel the vibe? Was there chemistry? Was there something between us?”

So how do you create that feeling of chemistry?

With the five conversation tactics I’m about to give you. If you follow these tactics, you’ll avoid “nice guy” conversations and get straight into creating a spark.

The first one is critical.

#1: Lead the Vibe

As a man, it’s your responsibility to lead the feeling of the conversation. A lot of times, “nice guys” start talking to a woman and look at her to set the tone.

  • If she’s kind of flirty, he’ll think, “Okay, I can be flirty with her.”
  • If she says some wilder things, he’ll think, “Okay, I can be a little bit wild.”
  • If a girl is quiet or conservative, the nice guy will follow her lead as well.

The date will never get going.

In all those cases, the guy is letting the girl dictate the vibe of the conversation.

When you do that, you’re giving her all the control and putting the outcome of the date in her hands. You don’t want to do that. As the man, you want to take responsibility.

That’s your job when you’re talking to a woman, she’s not going to do that.

Steer the Conversation AWAY From a “PG Vibe”

A lot of women are going to stick to conversation that would be rated PG if it were in a movie. A date that’s rated PG is not going to lead to making out, having sex, or becoming something special. It’s going to lead to the woman thinking “I just didn’t feel a connection.”

She won’t be aware that she’s the one who set the PG vibe in the first place. Because she’s not used to leading, she’s used to high value guys taking the lead and creating a connection without having to think about it. All of this happens under the radar.

As a man, you can go one of two routes.

The “nice guy” will go the route of following the girl’s PG vibe. If she’s talking about puppy dogs and ice cream, he’s going to talk about puppy dogs and ice cream. If she’s asking him boring questions, he’s going to give boring answers and ask boring questions in return.

The other route you can go is to step in and take the lead.

If she starts asking you boring questions, you can say something like, “Let’s come back to these questions later. I don’t think it’s going to get either one of us to know each other better. Instead, just tell me: what’s your story?”

In that moment, you changed the vibe.

Another way to do it is to say something flirtatious. If a woman is failing to flirt on a date, you can’t wait for her to say, “It’s now officially okay for you to flirt with me.”

You just need to jump in and start flirting.

Be Willing to Take “Conversation Risks”

All of this requires you to take a CONVERSATIONAL RISK. That could include:

  • Being the one to make the first flirtatious comment.
  • Being the one to make an off-color joke.
  • Bringing an element of sexuality into the conversation.
  • Changing the subject onto a topic that you know will be more fun.

Don’t wait for her to do it. If you do, you’re going to be waiting and waiting. The end of the date is going to come and she’s going to head home without feeling like she got to know you.

She’ll believe there was no chemistry between the two of you… because there wasn’t.

So you need to get good at THREAD CUTTING.

Thread cutting is when you see a woman is steering you toward a boring conversation, so instead of being a polite nice guy and following along, you interject better conversation topics into the conversation, even if it means ignoring her question.

As a guy, your number one priority is this: DON’T LET HER SUCK YOU INTO INTERVIEW MODE.

It’s really easy to toss around questions like, “Do you have brothers and sisters? What did you study in college?” but no attraction is going to be created in that realm.

Why is no attraction going to be created in that realm? Because a conversation needs to be intimate, and that’s the focus of our next conversation tactic.

#2: Make It Intimate to Spark the Vibe

In order for a woman to feel chemistry with you, there needs to be a feeling of intimacy.

The reason a lot of guys never get to that feeling of intimacy is because they make the conversation about everything except the two of you.

If you’re talking to a woman, the conversation should be focused on the dynamic between the two of you.

 Imagine a spotlight over the interaction. You don’t want the spotlight focusing too long on just you or just her. The moments of chemistry are created when the spotlight is shining on the two of you together.

Many guys make following mistake:

Let’s say you’re talking with a woman and she asks, “Where do you like to travel?” You start telling her a list of the places you’ve traveled. You talk all about your trip to Argentina. But what’s happening there? The spotlight is only on you.

Maybe you ask her a question, “Where did you grow up?” Now you’re focusing that conversation spotlight on her.

Chemistry doesn’t happen in those realms.  Chemistry happens when it’s you and her focusing on each other.

Use Statements Instead of Questions to Create Intimacy

 So a simple way to change that is: instead of asking her a question, make a statement about her.

Instead of asking, “Where did you grow up?” say, “You didn’t grow up around here, did you?”

Now you’ve given her your interpretation of her. This makes her curious, she’s going to say, “I didn’t grow up around here. How did you know?”

And then you say something like, “Oh, I could just tell, the way that you see the world is very different from the typical New Jersey girl. I knew you didn’t grow up in New Jersey.”

This way displays much more personality as it contains your point of view. It’s refreshing.

It’s also intimate. It’s an intimate thing to tell somebody how we view them. We don’t do that to strangers. So anytime that you do that, you’re creating a sense of intimacy between you.

Use Her Name to Create Intimacy

Another very simple thing you can do to create intimacy is to use her name.

If you say, “So Nicole, I could tell that you didn’t grow up around here,” you’ve done two things to create intimacy: used her name and told her how you view her.

So, next time you’re hanging out, instead of asking a question, turn it into a statement.

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#3: Establish Flirtation Early

Some guys hang out with a woman and for the first 45 minutes of the conversation, they’re having this very PG conversation. They’re talking about their jobs and their travels and their hobbies.

And then they look at their watch and they’re like, “Man, this date’s coming to an end. There’s no way I can go in for the kiss when we haven’t even flirted yet.” And then all of a sudden they’re like, “Shit, how do I start flirting?”

But you’ve spent an hour creating this non-flirtatious vibe.

It’s really hard to then shift gears after an hour of friendly platonic conversation and then make the conversation flirtatious.

The solution is to create that flirtatious vibe early on.

Very, very early on.

Use a Banter Line or Give Her a Nickname

At the start of an interaction, use a banter line or give her a nickname.

You can say, “You’re trouble. I could just tell you’re trouble. You’re one of those girls, I’m going to call you ‘Trouble.’”

Now you’ve given her the flirtatious nickname “Trouble.”

You’re flirting with her.

Or maybe you tell her, “You spent a lot of time in the library when you were a little kid, didn’t you?”

Just tease her a little bit. It’s not about being mean; it’s about a friendly teasing.

It’s like a secret language that women understand:

If You’re Teasing Her, You’re Flirting with Her

If you do that at the start of the interaction, then 30 minutes later or an hour later, you don’t have to worry about creating a flirtatious vibe because it’s already been established. You’ve already given her a nickname. You’ve bantered with her, you’ve teased her.

If she tells you that she’s a teacher, you say, “Show me your best mean teacher face. Let’s see.”

Now she knows you’re flirting with her and she’s feeling sexy.

If you don’t create that flirtatious vibe, she’ll start wondering, “What’s going on here? This guy’s talking to me like I’m his sister.”

Then you’ll get a text from her the next day saying, “You’re really nice, but I’d rather be friends.”

You can avoid this by starting your interactions with one simple banter line.

The best investment of your time is to learn how to spot things that a woman says that you can then use as banter.

Look for something that she says that you can twist into a reason to tease her.

If she does something a little wild, you could say, “I could just tell you were trouble, I got to stay away from you.”

Tease her about what she just did or said, give her a nickname, and you’ll establish the flirtatious vibe.

#4: Use Cool Vulnerability to Spark the Vibe

The next thing you want to do is to demonstrate cool vulnerability.

“Cool” is a critical word there.

If you don’t add “cool” in front of it, it doesn’t work. A lot of guys go, “Bobby, you told me to be vulnerable.” I go, “Yeah, but vulnerability doesn’t mean getting on a date and telling a woman how you had a shitty childhood and your mom didn’t love you enough.”

That’s vulnerability, but it’s not cool vulnerability.

The best way to learn how to be cool vulnerable is to watch late night TV.

Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien – any of those guys. The guests they interview on those shows are all people who have really high status: actors, singers, athletes. They come on the late night talk shows, they sit down, and they all tell cool vulnerability stories.

Example of Cool Vulnerability

Cool vulnerable is telling a girl how in the first grade, I used to write the name of my first girlfriend on the back of my books. I would write “Bobby loves…” and her name over and over again. Then one day, I walk into school and the entire class had all seen the book and I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment.
That’s cool vulnerable. It’s not sad, pathetic vulnerable.

She may feel flirtatiousness with you and she may feel a vibe, but when she walks away, you need to ALSO give her these little memorable moments.

#5: Approve, Don’t Compliment to Spark the Vibe

When a date is going well, a lot of guys will automatically start gushing compliments.

I remember a time that I did this on first date with an adorable Filipino girl. She was an actress and was actually in the movie Hitch, which is ironic now…

I started spewing compliments at her and told her, “You are so cute.”

The truth is, she was really cute. But I just couldn’t stop telling her how cute she was… and I never got another date.

Because gushing compliments is a very “nice guy” behavior.

Saying things like, “You’re so cute,” or “You have the most beautiful eyes in the world” are nice guy compliments that don’t help you in any way.

Examples of the RIGHT WAY to Compliment a Woman

 So the question that people ask me is: if compliments are off-limits, what can you do to let her know you’re interested?

The answer: you compliment her in a way that approves of her, without giving away any of your high status.

An example is telling her, “I love the way that outfit looks on you.”

You’re not making the mistake of gushing, “You’re gorgeous.” Instead, you’re saying, “I love the way that outfit looks on you.”

You’re approving of the outfit she’s wearing.

How to Compliment Her the Right Way

@bobbyriocoach how to compliment a woman #datingadviceformen #datingtipsformen #bobbyrio ♬ original sound – Bobby Rio- Dating Coach 4 Men

Example of Complimenting with Approval

@bobbyriocoachCompliments That Make a Girl Want You – take the quiz: http://unlockthescrambler.com/attraction-quiz♬ original sound – Bobby Rio- Dating Coach 4 Men

Another thing that you can say to a woman is something along the lines of, “I hate you for making me so attracted to you,” or “I hate you for being so sexy. I can’t think of anything else right now. How am I supposed to concentrate tonight on the play that we’re going to see when you’re dressed like that?”

You could also say, “That perfume that you’re wearing is driving me crazy,” or, “That smile you just gave is very seductive, and I am not going to be able to concentrate on anything for the rest of the night if you keep doing that.”

Not only are these statements approving of her, but they’re also intimate. They’re about how you’re reacting to her. They’re rooted in her choices and your point of view. It’s the right way to cater to a woman’s desire to be approved of.

Review of Sparking “The Vibe”

So those are five conversational tactics that you can use to make a woman want you. To review:

  • Start out right by leading the vibe. That means taking conversational risks. If the conversation is going towards a dead end, practice thread cutting and lead it out of there.
  • Make it intimate. Tell her things about herself, make a comment about her. Tell her how you view her. Say, “When you walked in here, you just looked so sophisticated. You have this sophisticated energy.” Shine the spotlight on the two of you by talking about her actions and your interpretations.
  • Establish flirtation really early on. In the first few moments of an interaction, give her a nickname or use a banter line. Tease her about something. Don’t give her time to think you’re bringing friendly energy to the table.
  • Display cool vulnerability. Have a story ready. I tell one about how I went to a Boy Scout summer camp as a kid and it was a nightmare for me because I was a city boy who didn’t know how to survive in the wilderness. I’ve got another one I tell about how I love cheesy 80s music and got into a situation at a Whitesnake concert. That’s vulnerability, but it’s not pathetic vulnerability.
  • Replace compliments with statements of approval.

3 Flirty Phrases That Spark the Vibe

The Next Step on Improving Your Flirting

If conversation doesn’t come naturally to you, remember that it didn’t come easy for me either.

Like I said, I’m a natural introvert. I had to learn all of this stuff by watching people who are naturally good at it.

Over time I’ve been able to develop tactics that work for me.

If you fall into that realm, I have a book called Charismatic Conversation Secrets. It’s less than $10. It’s almost 200 pages of tactics just like this: 110 tactics in all. It’s filled with examples to drive the lessons home. In this article, I tried to keep it quick. In the book itself, you get dozens of examples for each tactic, along with instructions on exactly what to say and how to deliver the lines.

Click here to download Charismatic Conversation Secretes.